The Mental Load of Parenting: The 3 Biases That Exhaust Families
Are you TOO good at what you do for your family?
It may be tiring you out..
Ever wondered how some people seem so comfortable getting through the overwhelming, overloading number of tasks we have once we become parents? I’ve talked a lot about sharing mental load but today I want to talk about the biases that underlie the majority of the mental load in families. Specifically, three types of bias can operate unconsciously and contribute to how exhausted we feel on a day-to-day basis.
I don't know about you, but when I’m exhausted, I’m more reactive and less like the calm, centered, and present parent I want to be with my children, and co-parent I want to be with my partner. Do you find this too?
So if you’re frustrated and exhausted, read on to see if one (or more) of the biases are playing out in your family.
Gender Bias - did you see one of your own parents do all of the work in the home whilst the other went out of the house to work - and you've allocated responsibilities unconsciously on this basis? In my house post kids, we fell into me doing the cooking, cleaning, washing and folding as my mum did. And my husband doing the lawns or DIY. It sounds so 1950’s but it's how it really was! Are you performing tasks based on gender (ab)norms?
Competency Bias - Are you just too good at organising parties that you take care of the food catering, the entertainer, the cake, the invitations, checking if anyone’s got allergies, comms with all the parents, and the list goes on? Or maybe you’re the one who knows how to get the right professional, find the best gp or orthodontist, natural health practitioner, or handyman. If you just do what you’re good at, without a second thought at what it costs you physically in time, and mentally in thinking it all through - you may be open to competency bias.
Role Bias - Are you the go-to person for signing permission slips or liaison for all the school comms? Are you the one that focuses on the budget, researching insurance premiums, and keeping track of weekly expenses? Are you the one who the kids go to for food and snacks? Do you take care of the social calendar with friends and family? If you assume a role without discussing and consciously allocating roles and reviewing over time, you may be open to role bias.
Raising children is hard and can take a significant mental toll on parents. This mental load is often compounded by unconscious biases. There is no right or wrong, but when a bias is unconsciously playing out and tasks/roles/responsibilities are assumed - resentment and frustration build and can cause imbalance and disconnection in the family. Day-to-day living becomes exhausting.
On the flip side, when you bring awareness to bias, you create healthy boundaries in your family and feel empowered, at choice, and more aligned with your family life. We cover this in detail in Module 4 of the Parent as Leader Program - Syncing Together.
Which bias plays out for you? Hit reply and let me know.
From my heart to yours,
Dina
PS. If you’re in Sydney, come join me at an intimate parenting talk on March 6th on Transforming Your Parenting Journey from Frustration To Fulfillment. Details and tickets here.