Finding Your Way Back to Each Other After Having Kids

Parents come to me for a myriad of reasons in relation to their parenting. Often the driver is their child is experiencing regular outbursts, not cooperating, constantly pushing back, and saying mean and hurtful things, and they’ve tried everything they can, and what they have tried has not worked.   

As we start to unpack what is going on, we look at what is happening in the family dynamic. 

And it’s in the family dynamic we often find that parents are feeling strained with each other. 

There are so many reasons why we may feel strained and disconnected from our partners after having children:  

• You feel triggered by your child’s behaviour and see the other parent handling it so much better than you and begin to feel resentment… and asking yourself ”why can’t I be more like my partner in communicating with my child?”

• You feel shame and guilt about your own reactions to your child and that slowly makes you feel hopeless and helpless so you retreat, also pulling away from your partner.

• Sometimes you're just sick of the mental load - you’re the main contact for school, friends, and activities and having to remember EVERYTHING. And you don’t want to have to follow up on basic things that your partner should remember. You’re exhausted.  

Whatever the reason for feeling disconnected, when you add in parents working in professional roles and the demands for those roles, it begins to feel like you’re growing apart daily. 

For nearly all of my clients, the love for each other is still strong. It’s more that they dislike the daily situations they are in and often project feelings of frustration onto each other. 

 When you and your partner are feeling like this on a daily basis, it leaves little room to enjoy parenting and far less room to have the space you need to parent your child in the way you want to, especially if you’re feeling exhausted, sleep-deprived or you are feeling like you’re failing as a parent.  

You already know life has changed. Your responsibilities have changed. The demands on you have changed.  

Having kids can be one of life's most rewarding experiences, but it can also be a major source of strain and stress. This is especially true when it comes to the mental load that parents are expected to shoulder. And it’s not about patch-fixing with a different parenting technique, being more organised for a date night, or syncing calendars with reminders for everything. That will help but only get you so far. Because the problem isn’t usually just one thing, it’s a combination of things.  

So what can you do about it?  

 The answer is A LOT. 

 For things to really be different, it’s about addressing the WHOLE change in dynamic post-kids. 

And the key to thriving is developing the skills on how you lead yourself, your family, and your child. 

Leading Yourself..is about learning how to show up as your best for your family even when you’re feeling triggered and sometimes getting to the root cause of the triggers. 

Leading Your Family..is about discovering how YOU want to raise your family, challenging any unconscious bias from the way you and your partner were raised, and uncovering the blocks that prevent you from working together. You may find that your parenting style clashes with your partner’s, or that you’ve each adopted roles and tasks that don’t suit your natural parenting style.

Leading Your Child..is about discovering how to speak to your child in their language, develop their unique motivations and ultimately help them feel seen, heard, and understood. 

The transition to parenthood is often one of the most difficult periods in a relationship. With the extra stress and responsibility that comes with raising a family, it's easy for couples to become overwhelmed by it all. But, it’s when you make these holistic changes that you find real, transformative, and sustainable ways to find your way back to each other. 

My client sent me this after they worked holistically on their family and their leadership skills. It just about says it all. 

From my heart to yours,

Dina

PS: The Parent as Leader method is an 8-week online for families to go from daily frustrations to enjoying parenting again. It is structured to develop your self-leadership, family-leadership, and your child-leadership skills in a way that allows you to embed these skills in your family, to create the daily family you want and enjoy. To find out more book in a chat with me to see if it’s right for your family.