Children Don’t Need You To Be Perfect, They Need You To Be Human.

For years, I would spend hours making sure my house was perfect for the dinner guests we had coming over. 

My husband would be running around like a headless chook with me, in my relentless pursuit to make sure every item was in its place, that the bathroom was spotless and anywhere else that our guests might wander into.

Some things got shoved under our bed and in cupboards that I hoped and prayed no one would open, because if they did they’d discover that I’m not perfect after all.

I’d cook 5 different dishes and clean the kitchen so spotlessly like it hadn’t been used at all.

The reality...I’d been cleaning and scrubbing until the last second before they arrived and my hair was still damp from the shower I barely had time to take.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Who was I trying to kid?! These dinners weren’t effortless!!

And the preparations were not minor.

And after having children, my need to be perfect got exacerbated.

Ever known a neat and tidy child?  Ha!

My anxiety climbed to new levels.

Perfectionism ran me. It dominated my life. I never felt good enough no matter how much I prepared. No matter how much effort I put it in.

What I didn’t realise was perfection was also the enemy of being the parent I wanted to be.

Because if I messed up or If the kids behaviour or clothes weren’t perfect, I had failed as a mum.

On the surface, I was happy. Deep down I was miserable and always on edge.

Here’s what I’ve learned about perfectionism:

It helps hide a deep need to be good enough

It contributes to judging myself and my children instead of accepting them and allowing them (and me) to be who they are

It fuels my criticism of myself and my children and leaves little room for kindness and compassion.

It is driven by a right or wrong, black or white, all or nothing way of thinking. There are no steps and stages or shades of grey  (or the excitement that goes with it!)

It dulls your ability to have fun.

Perfectionism is all about how you look to the outside world, so if you’re like me and you want to help loosen its grip and enjoy parenting and life more, ask yourself different questions:

Instead of:  Does my house look presentable?

Ask: Do I feel good in my home?

Instead of: Have I prepared enough food?

Ask: Have I enjoyed and prepared this food with love?

Instead of:  Did my child behave correctly?

Ask: how is my child feeling?

Instead of: Does my child look smart?

Ask: Is my child comfortable in what they are wearing?

Or your version of these questions in the various ways perfectionism shows up in your life.

Perfectionism focuses on others' perception of you. Being human focuses on your perceptions of yourself.

You are a good enough parent just as you are, in all your humanness.

Give yourself permission to be human and allow your child to follow your lead.

Much love

Dina x 

If I can help you reinvent your relationship with perfectionism, book a free parent leadership strategy call with me.