7 Practices That Led Me To Enjoy Parenting Again
Hi there!
It’s Dina here, parent coach, author and founder of the Parent as Leader Method.
I knew that I wanted to enjoy parenting and enjoy my child. What I didn’t anticipate was all the ways I’d be triggered by becoming a parent.
All my norms were challenged - the way I ate, the way I slept, my personal hygiene (every parent knows kid-free showers are like gold dust in the early days!). Not to mention the way I could work and go out afterwards (without a ton of nappies and paraphernalia weighing me down!).
So, if I’m being completely honest, parenting was not the gig I dreamt it would be.
Ever since I was a child I had dreamed of becoming a parent. I would gravitate to all the babies in our family, offer to play with, change nappies and help with feeding time and this was all before the age of 8.
I had this vision that when I had babies it would be coos and giggles. Walking with my toddler hand in hand whilst we went around the shops. Visiting parks with them crawling in the grass and the only time a baby would be in my bed is when we were all hanging out in bed tickling each other having fun.
The reality was very different…!
My kids yelled and screamed in the supermarket, especially when they didn’t get something they had a keen eye on. The exhaustion of my ever growing to do list was almost too much to bear on practically no sleep for the first couple of years (8 years if I count my spirited child, climbing into our bed almost every night!) and my to-do list didn’t get much better after that. And each time we visited the park, all I could think about was how my child was going to crawl in dog poo in the grass or fall off the climbing frame in the playground. There goes the outdoor enjoyment!
So what really turned it around was not anything to do with all of the changes to my external environment (of which there were many). It was what was going on for me internally in the face of all of these changes.
These practices made the critical difference in really enjoying parenting and my child whilst feeling confident I am raising them to be their best.
So let me share:
Tip 1: Let go of expectations
I held myself to high standards. I had a need to be perfect. This same need became crippling after babies. Because, let’s face it..not much goes to plan! Nor can you keep the house clean…and that’s okay…they’re babies…unpredictable, wild and hugely entertaining. Instead learn that your best is good enough, even if some days good enough is making it to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of tea. Count the small wins.
Tip 2: Listen more (to yourself and your child)
Listen more to yourself. How are you really feeling? What are you really thinking? You have tens of thousands of thoughts a day but they are not who you are. We feed ourselves negative thoughts all the time, hearing them is the first step to getting control over them so they don’t control you.
Listen more to your child. Your child is communicating to you who they are and what they need. Give them some time where you’re fully present with them. Allow them space to respond. Repeat their words back to them so they know you hear them. When you really listen your child feels heard and understood and more often than not, challenging behaviour you once experienced dissolves bringing more connection in its place.
Tip 3: Find your calm
No parenting tip will work if you aren’t in the best space to deliver it. You end up being reactive, then feeling guilty and full of regret. And guilt and regret rob you of your joy. True inner calm comes from noticing you are triggered by your child’s or partner’s behaviour allowing yourself to feel the feeling and then creating an intervention to stop the feeling from taking over whilst you respond to your child. Sounds simple but it’s not always easy. In my view this intervention has been game-changing for my parenting and for my clients.
Tip 4: Develop healthy boundaries
Whether it’s your child, co-parent, extended family member or friend. Differing points of view on how to raise your child can be challenging. Developing healthy boundaries is about being able to say no to things that are not your priority, even though they may be someone’s priority that you care about. But it’s more than saying no. It’s also saying yes. Yes to yourself that your needs matter. When you are too tired to go to a friend's dinner, you can rest at home. When a co-parent expects you to do something you feel resentful doing you can say yes to your own mental and emotional wellbeing without guilt.
Tip 5: Make choices that are right for YOUR family
Do you hear and see yourself sounding like your own parent? Do you look at other families and think they’ve got it together?
Comparison is the thief of joy according to Theodore Roosevelt. Figure out your vision for your family. Create habits, rituals and goals that allow you to bring that vision alive. Because it’s no fun living someone else’s version of a family.
Knowing what’s important to your family guides your daily choices and decisions. So if your child is not enrolled in every activity known to mankind and you’ve chosen to do this because in your family it’s important to create space for creativity, it’s okay. You can be chill about your choice..
Tip 6: Find your tribe
If you air on the side of people pleasing like I once did, you can probably work any room, chat to anyone and be everyone’s friend. And that’s a great skill to have. But what’s not great is when you hang out with parents who have very different ideals to your own when it comes to parenting just because your children attend the same school or activity.
Sometimes it’s better to enjoy your own company whilst you find your own people. The ones that really get you and you want to journey with, who make you better as a person and a parent. It’s not always the easy route and it is so worthwhile when you find your people.
Tip 7: Work on your wounds
This last tip is one where the work is never done.
It took me a while to realise that I carried around so many wounds from my own childhood (through no fault of my parents - they were doing the best they knew) and the way I usually found out about them were when I felt triggered by my child or a big life event happened and I couldn't move past the emotion. That’s when I knew a wound might be triggered.
Nowadays, there are so many ways to work through our past experiences. Traditional therapy is one option but there are many other faster ways to heal.
I don’t want to pass down my wounds onto my children, so as challenging as it is to take a peak under the hood of your experiences, having a process where you work through them as they arise is the most healing, freeing journey you will ever take.
So that’s it - that’s how I got to enjoy parenting again and have zero regrets.
Pretty straightforward, huh?
So over to you - which of these practices do you want to cultivate for yourself?
Because it’s totally possible for you to enjoy parenting again too.
Tip 1: Let go of expectations
Tip 2: Listen more (to yourself and your child)
Tip 3: Find your calm
Tip 4: Develop healthy boundaries
Tip 5: Make choices that are right for YOUR family
Tip 6: Find your tribe
Tip 7: Work on your wounds
If you want to chat through how you can enjoy your family life more, book in a free personalised leadership strategy session with me to reach your parenting goals in the next 3 months.
Much love
Dina xx