Why My Son Stays Calm During Exams (When I Never Could)
We are knee-deep in exam week in our household. My son is in his final year of school, and as I write this, he’s sitting at our kitchen table, papers spread out, revising for tomorrow’s exam.
In the past week, I’ve watched him balance study sessions with his mates online, go for runs, watch parts of a movie, game, eat well, sleep well, and now, study at the kitchen table.
I look at him and think..how did he get so balanced?
I was a nervous wreck at exam time. I’d be so anxious I sometimes vomited. The pressure felt suffocating. And yet here he is, doing what’s needed to keep his mind clear and focused, without falling apart under stress.
Then it hits me..there are some fundamental differences in how he has approached this compared to how I did growing up.
Here’s what made the difference:
His worth isn’t attached to his results. He knows he is inherently worthy, no matter what grade he gets. I, on the other hand, felt like my worth depended on my achievements..no wonder I was in knots.
He knows how to regulate his emotions. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the increased intensity during this time - he does. But he has the tools to recognise, process, and regulate his emotions so he can return to a mental and emotional space where he can continue. My emotions spilled over. I didn’t have these skills, and stress consumed me. It felt impossible to focus, let alone study effectively.
He doesn’t fall into all-or-nothing thinking. He breaks studying into chunks and paces himself, knowing he’ll learn more effectively this way. I felt I had to pull all-nighters, cramming and then forgetting everything once the exam was over. That wasn’t learning, it was survival mode.
He’s motivated by being with others. Studying with friends online, sitting at the kitchen table - it energises him. I never had the awareness to align my learning with my natural motivation (which, I now know, is studying alone).
He knows we’ve got his back. We’ve relieved him of dog-walking and dishwashing duties for the week, yet he still jumps in to help when he can. He contributes because he feels supported, not because he’s forced to.
He listens to his body. He eats well, gets at least nine hours of sleep, and enjoys running. I was so disconnected from my body...I ate junk, had constant headaches, and saw exercise as a punishment.
He takes guilt-free breaks. Watching a movie or playing a game isn’t procrastination, it’s part of his learning process. I, on the other hand, just studied and studied… then cried, then studied some more. I didn’t understand that real learning includes pauses, not just pressure.
The Real Lesson Here...
This isn’t just about exams..it’s about life.
Because he’s grown up knowing that he is seen, heard, and understood, he trusts himself. He listens to what works for him, instead of forcing himself into a mould that doesn’t fit. He makes choices that support his wellbeing. He doesn’t operate from fear, but from self-awareness.
And when kids feel this way, they actually do take responsibility. Not because they’re afraid of failing, but because they trust themselves enough to navigate challenges in a way that works for them.
That to me, is what real success looks like.
And it starts with connection.
Much love,
Dina
PS After 15 years of refining and distilling everything I’ve learned, I created the Stressed to Best Parent Method—a step-by-step approach to help you build a deeply connected, cooperative relationship with your child. In a world where technology and time pressures pull us in so many directions, true connection has never been more important.
If now is the time for you and your family, let’s chat—book a call today.