When Putting Yourself Last Comes at a Cost - GABOR MATÉ Part 1
When I married my husband, and even after our first child was born, I defaulted to the belief that being a dutiful wife—running the household, making the meals, and raising our child—was simply my role.
Coming from an Indian cultural background, I had seen firsthand how women were considered lower priority than men in every way. My ex-mother-in-law would not sit down to eat until her husband had finished or would eat alone in the kitchen.
It was ingrained in us to take care of everyone else’s needs before our own.
Then my second child came along. The stress and overwhelm of meeting two children’s needs, working, managing the household, and still trying to be the "dutiful wife" became too much.
Let me be clear—I don’t have a traditional husband. We strive to be equals in all things. And yet, we still unconsciously fell into old patterns when it came to family life.
At first, the cracks showed as bursts of anger. Then came the nights of tears. It wasn’t long before I slipped into a depressive state. I felt like I was drowning, unable to keep up. Every day felt like Groundhog Day, with no end in sight. I was far from the happy, present mother I wanted to be for my children.
The Wake-Up Call
This past Sunday, I went to see one of my biggest mentors, Gabor Maté. His work has validated so much of my own parenting journey—ever since I first "woke up" to my unconscious life and realised I wanted something different. I wanted to be more deliberate about what I was passing down to my children.
Among many things, Gabor—a physician from Canada, now 81 years old—speaks about trauma, illness, and our fundamental need to be authentic.
During his time as Head of Palliative Care at Vancouver Hospital, he observed four commonalities among people who died of an illness.
For the next four weeks, I’m going to explore each of these traits and what they mean for us as parents.
The First Commonality: Self-Sacrifice to the Point of Illness
The first pattern he observed was this:
A compulsive need to take care of others at the expense of oneself.
For many of us, this is what we’ve been taught parenting should look like. To give everything to our families. To put our children first at all costs.
But Gabor warns us that this compulsive self-sacrifice doesn’t just drain us—it can lead to disease and, in his words, be the actual cause of death.
So, I invite you to reflect:
* How often do your needs come last?
* How often do you take care of everyone else while neglecting yourself?
* How many times have you tried to prioritise your needs, only to find them derailed—or sacrificed yet again for others?
I can admit I’ve done every one of these. But I can also say I’ve come a long way in creating a family life that respects and prioritises all of our needs—not just my children’s or my husband’s.
Small Shifts That Changed Everything
These changes didn’t come easily. They required me to truly see the patterns in my behaviour and dig into the beliefs that held them in place.
But once I did, there was no turning back.
Each school morning, after my sons make their smoothies, they wash the blender blade so I can make mine—because my needs matter.
Yesterday, when I came home with the shopping and needed the toilet, even though he was relaxing after school, I asked my son to put away the groceries—because my needs matter.
When I need to fit in a workout, even if it clashes with dinnertime, my husband or son cooks—because my needs matter.
The Mental Load of Parenting
Parenting comes with an overwhelming mental load. But in the micro-moments—where you honour your needs alongside everyone else’s—that’s where real blend begins. That’s where we thrive.
And it all starts with unpicking the beliefs that keep your unconscious behaviours in place.
If we want our children to stay connected to their authentic selves and not just their conditioned beliefs, we must do the same.
Because our children don’t just learn from what we say—they learn from how we live.
So let me ask YOU: What’s one small way you can honour your needs today?
Much love,
Dina
PS In Modules 4 and 5 of the Stressed to Best Parent Method we dive deep into how you lead your family and challenge the unconscious beliefs of how we blend as a family. Get in touch if now is the time for your family to thrive not just survive. All the information is here.