The Hidden Pressure We Pass to Our Kids—Without Realising It - GABOR MATÉ Part 2
On my 20th birthday, my now ex-husband had a cake made for me. On it was an image of the car I had my heart set on—a Mercedes 500 SL convertible.
I was obsessed with this car. I had a model of it on my bookshelf, and every time I passed the Mercedes showroom, I would look for it. To me, it wasn’t just a car. It was a symbol. A reflection of success.
Looking back, I can see how much I had defined my life by what I did.
I was the first in my friendship group to get married.
The first to buy my own car.
The first to get a job.
I became a Chartered Accountant.
I was the first to move overseas for work.
Each milestone made me feel important, reinforcing the belief that my worth was tied to my achievements.
When I became a parent, that pattern naturally extended to my children. Did they get recognition at school? Did they use kind words when interrupting a conversation? Did they come quietly and cooperatively when I asked them to leave the playground?
Then, in my mid-30s, I took an assessment with my coach—the same one I now use with parents—which measured my core motivations. Out of 48 possible motivators, one of my highest was external reference—placing authority outside of myself. I was 2x times more motivated by external validation than the average Australian.
It was a huge revelation. I realised I had spent my life valuing what I did and how I was perceived by others, more than who I was and how I was perceived by ME.
Because deep down, I didn’t believe being myself was enough. I thought I had to perform, achieve, and be seen as successful to be worthy. Good grades, the right company, the right house, the right job, the right car—surely, that was what made me valuable?
The tightness in my neck and shoulders told the real story. My body carried the weight of constantly striving, of never feeling like I was enough just as I was.
That realisation set me on a long journey back to myself. Learning to value who I am, not what I do. And, at the same time, working out how to raise my children in a way that nurtures who they are, rather than tying their worth to their achievements.
It has been life-changing.
Second of the four commonalities (find the first one here) Gabor Maté found among people who died of illness was this: What they did defined them, not who they were.
That truth landed deeply for me.
Today, I measure my life differently. Not by what I own or achieve, but by how I show up when no one is watching. The way I speak to my kids. How I interact with my husband. How I treat my dog. The way I return my trolley after grocery shopping—not because I have to, but because it’s who I am.
Raising my children this way has meant they experience success with happiness, not just success alone.
When I see them immersed in their interests, following their own path rather than someone else’s expectations, I feel at peace. They know who they are outside of achievements, and that is the true measure of a meaningful life.
I send love to my younger self, who once valued things outside of her because she didn’t know the treasure she already held inside. She just had to learn to see it.
So, next time you're in conversation with someone, notice what they ask. Do they want to know about your job, your next holiday—what you do? Or do they ask about your dreams, your hopes, your fears—who you are?
Because one will always leave you chasing more. The other will remind you that you are already enough.
Much love,
Dina
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PPS My favourite car now is the one that gets me from A to B in the most practical and efficient way possible :)