Are You Putting Others First at the Cost of Your Own Needs? Here’s Why It Matters..

I’ve been a people-pleaser most of my life.

Wanting others to feel good after our time together. Going out of my way to do nice things for others. Doing my best to avoid disappointing people.

And even with all this awareness, even after years of doing the inner work, I still catch myself falling into this pattern.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked my son to move out of his room because I didn’t want to disappoint a visitor who would be staying with us. My son had told me it's not the best time, he has a lot of work to do (he's in his final year at school) and I dismissed his needs and feelings with, "it's only 3 nights." 

It was a seemingly small moment, one of those quick decisions we make in the name of being polite, accommodating, thoughtful. But later, as I reflected, I realised the deeper truth: I had dismissed my son’s needs over my fear of disappointing someone else.

How often do we do this?

How often do we override our own needs—or our children’s—to avoid upsetting someone else?

How often do we teach our children, through our actions, that someone else’s comfort matters more than their own? Or that we are somehow responsible for making everyone else feel happy and comfortable?

Gabor Maté, in his exploration of the patterns seen in those who became seriously ill later in life, identified a fourth commonality:

The belief that you are responsible for how others feel and that you must never disappoint anybody.

(If you missed the first three commonalities, you can find them here (1, 2 and 3))

This belief, so deeply ingrained in many of us, is often mistaken for kindness. We tell ourselves we’re being thoughtful, selfless, considerate. But when kindness comes at the expense of our own boundaries, our children’s needs, or our ability to express ourselves authentically, it stops being true kindness. It becomes self-abandonment.

And our children? They absorb this.

They learn that keeping the peace is more important than their inner truth. That their needs can wait, that their discomfort is secondary.

But here’s the thing: disappointing someone is not the same as hurting them.

Disappointment is a normal, inevitable part of life. It’s something we all experience and something our children need to experience, too. We do them no favours when we teach them to bend, shrink, or self-sacrifice just to keep others happy.

So what can we do instead?

We start by noticing when we’re making choices out of the fear of disappointing others. We start by pausing before we automatically say yes. We start by asking: What do I actually want? What does my child need? What am I teaching in this moment?

And then, we practice something that may feel radical at first—allowing people to feel disappointed.

Because our job is not to make everyone happy. Our job is to raise children who honour their own needs and respect the needs of others without betraying themselves in the process.

And that starts with us.

Much love,
Dina

PS If it's time to reset your beliefs around disappointing or upsetting others, Module 3 on the Stressed to Best Parent Method is dedicated to Resetting Beliefs. Book in a call with me here to see if the method would work for you in being your best parent.