From Attention-Seeking to Emotional Intelligence
Two weeks ago my son had Covid and Influenza B. It hit him pretty hard and he was off school for 7 days.
He makes films regularly and on his 5th day home sick, he realised he had a shoot pre-organised for a group assignment: the venue, the actors, and the extras were all lined up. He begged me to go to school.
He didn’t want to let his group down and was worried about how he would get it done in the timeframe of the deadline if he didn’t go in.
His friends who were doing the assignment with him were messaging him, asking if he’d be able to come in.
He was insisting he could go in just for that hour then come straight home or go in for the morning and then get picked up to come home to rest.
He was so unwell he could barely stand. But the logic of that wasn’t sticking with him.
He kept coming up with another way and another way to make it work. All the while his emotions were intensifying.
My immediate thought was “Don’t be so ridiculous. Of course, you can’t go. You have Covid and the Flu”.
I took a pause before I said it out loud. It gave me enough time to kick in the MATCHstick framework I teach on the Parent as Leader Method to help communication, well, stick. The ‘A’ in MATCH stands for Acknowledgement.
So I simply said, “It must feel really disappointing to not be able to go to school when so many people are relying on you to be there.”
As I spoke the words to what he was feeling I saw his body viscerally relax. It was like magic, (but it really wasn’t).
When children don’t have their feelings acknowledged they persist in attention-seeking behaviours, they emotionally withdraw and suppress how they feel, and/or their emotional reactions are intensified.
However, when you recognise and acknowledge your child’s feelings, SO many good things happen:
They feel “someone gets me”
They believe their emotions are valid and important
They learn how to name their feelings - building their emotional intelligence
You build connection and trust between you and your child.
It allows your child to learn to express themselves openly and honestly.
It helps them to recognise and acknowledge feelings in others, building their empathy.
It allows your child more control over managing and regulating their feelings.
They start to learn the difference between their emotions and their inner voice or intuition.
When the feeling is named it brings it out into the open so you can problem-solve and come up with solutions together.
Emotional well-being and mental health increase when feelings are acknowledged.
Once we established it was disappointing that my son couldn’t go to school for his assignment, he allowed us to problem-solve with him, which led to us calling the school for an extension on the deadline for the whole group.
He could now rest knowing he'd done his best and that he'd minimised the impact on the group.
Many of us (including me) didn’t grow up in families that understood feelings - how to name them, how to process them, and if we haven't learned the skills to navigate emotions growing up, there’s a good chance we are living life without acknowledging our own feelings now (or our child’s) and this is often why we as parents have intense reactions, withdraw and/or engage in attention-seeking behaviours ourselves.
Recognising and acknowledging emotions is a life skill and an essential leadership skill for a parent.
Were emotions and feelings acknowledged for you growing up?
Much love,
Dina