The Real Reason You Keep Reacting... and How to Shift It
My neighbour said to me last week, ‘I can’t imagine you being anything other than calm’...
I had to smile. Because not too long ago, I was a shouter.
I used to shout... loud and often. I shouted to get things done, to meet everyone’s needs, to feel like I had some control over the chaos. And when it didn’t work, I’d shout louder.
Back then, I didn’t know what I know now.
Recently I shared a simple quote on our Facebook page:
“To be a calm parent, create a space between you and your child’s reaction.”
The next day, one of my beautiful clients said to me,
“Dina, I’ve read so many self-help books, I know all the mantras and philosophies... and I still don’t know how to actually create that space. I’m better, but I haven’t nailed it.”
By the end of our session, she understood why.
Creating that space is not just a parenting skill... it’s a life skill.
One that allows you to respond instead of react.
To de-escalate instead of explode.
To parent from a place of strength and presence rather than stress and survival.
So why is it so hard?
Because the missing piece... the thing most parenting books and courses don’t teach... is that you experience your child’s behaviour through the filters in your own mind.
Your filters are made up of:
Past experiences
Deep beliefs
Emotional wounds
Thinking patterns (like all-or-nothing thinking)
So even if you learn a new strategy or mindset, it still has to pass through those filters. And unless you work with the filters themselves... you often end up back in the same cycle. Frustrated. Reactive. Guilt-ridden. Wondering why the change didn’t stick.
If you’ve ever left a parenting course full of hope, only to find yourself shouting again days later... it’s not your fault.
Your mind’s filtering system hasn’t shifted yet.
So how do we change this?
And what does it have to do with yelling less and being calmer?
Everything.
Here’s where to begin:
1. Become Aware of Your Filters
Start by journaling your thoughts... especially the ones that pop up when you’re stressed. What beliefs are driving your reactions? What stories are playing in your mind?
Or work with a coach who can gently reflect those filters back to you. Awareness is the first step to transformation.
2. Learn to Manage Your Filters
Once you know what’s colouring your experience, you can learn techniques to regulate them. You practise, tweak, and eventually... you habituate a new response.
You’re no longer reacting from past patterns. You’re in the driver’s seat, creating the kind of experience you want to have.
Let me give you a real-life example.
Yesterday, I was late picking up my five-year-old from school. Another mum was there with him, but he was not okay. He was upset... and ran away from me across the playground.
Each time I moved closer, he ran further.
I could feel guilt rising in me... rushing to fix it, to calm him. But he was feeding off my guilt. I could see it.
So I stopped.
I used the techniques I’ve learned to centre myself... fast. I cleared my mind, let go of the guilt, softened my posture... and smiled at him. I held out my hand.
He came to me immediately.
The entire shift happened in just seconds. But the ripple effect? Massive.
Would you like to learn how to do this?
I won’t say it’s easy... there are a few layers to it.
But I will say this: it’s absolutely possible.
And it can become your default response.
Not through perfection.
But through presence, awareness, and practice.
If you’re ready to stop yelling and start creating calm... even in the heat of the moment... this is your invitation. The work is gentle, layered, and deeply freeing. Let’s help you build the tools to lead yourself with calm, so you can lead your family with confidence.