When your child chooses your partner over you (or vice versa)
Tom and Sally are parents I worked with recently. They have a 2-year-old daughter, Emma.
Each day Sally would go to yoga, and Tom would have a sobbing daughter for 90 minutes, who refused to leave the gate until Mum returned.
This was not only distressing for Emma. It was distressing for Tom and Sally, too.
For Emma, this is an “expected response”. She is going to miss her mum whilst she’s out.
But what really fuels the sobbing to last for 90 minutes? And what can increase the chances of a more peaceful time for all three of them?
In my experience, it is one of three reasons that creates parental preference and prolongs the sobbing in this scenario:
Mum’s discomfort with going out. Feeling guilty for leaving a toddler and/or feeling guilty for leaving Tom with a sobbing toddler.
Dad’s discomfort with a sobbing toddler. Feeling rejected by a toddler and questioning if he is a good enough dad.
Toddler feels discomfort with the remaining parent.
In this family, when we unpacked it, it was number 2. Dad was feeling rejected.
We’ve all been in scenarios where we’ve felt rejected by our child (I know I certainly have). It is important to never take it personally. When we make it about the child’s experience and less about us, it’s easy to turn things around.
And turn things around, they did. Once Tom became aware of the old pattern that was playing that led to feeling rejected, he was better able to support Emma.
Now when Sally left for yoga, she was able to enjoy it more knowing Tom and Emma were okay, Emma calmed down soon after Sally left and Tom and Emma were able to play with the dog together and other fun things.
It was a big win for their family - calmer, more fun days and a strengthening in their connection and relationship.
Where are you experiencing daily stress that limits the full joy that family life can bring?
You and your family deserve to enjoy each other.
Much love,
Dina