What to Do When Your Toddler Throws a Tantrum Over Everything

Refusing to eat certain foods, protesting bedtime, resisting getting dressed, or refusing to put on shoes—these are just a few scenarios where toddler tantrums can rear their fiery heads.

Day in and day out, despite having all the tools and strategies, you might find yourself pushed to your limit, maybe even experiencing a mini-tantrum alongside your toddler. Why? Because, hey, you're human! And guess what? Your toddler is too.

Tantrums, as frustrating as they can be, are developmentally normal for toddlers. Think of them as a rite of passage—a way for your little one to express how they feel with no filter. What they truly need in those stormy moments is someone to guide them in processing those intense emotions healthily.

Yet, here's the truth: many of us resort to responses we learned growing up, responses that may not be as helpful as we think:

"You're okay" and "Stop being ridiculous"—phrases that often downplay or dismiss your child's feelings. Fast forward to adulthood, and individuals who hear these phrases may struggle to acknowledge their own emotions or feel ashamed for having intense feelings.

"Stop crying. Everyone is looking at us"—a phrase that places undue focus on the judgments of others. As parents, we've all been there, worrying about public perception. But I had a realisation: when my focus was on those around me, it wasn't on my child. What they needed most was my attention, and reassurance that they were my top priority.

"Stay in your bedroom (or the corner) until you calm down"—a response that can make your child feel abandoned in the midst of their emotional storm. This may lead to adults who heard this growing up struggling with their own emotions, fearing their intensity or believing they'll be abandoned if they express them.

"Let’s watch TV or play on the iPad"—a common form of distraction. While it may temporarily pacify the tantrum, it doesn't help process the underlying emotions. These emotions can accumulate and result in even stronger tantrums down the line. As adults who heard this growing up, we often find ourselves distracting from our emotions with various coping mechanisms (food, work, alcohol, sex, social media - even exercise can be a coping mechanism).

So, how can you help your toddler process emotions in a healthy way? The answer is simple but not easy: learn to RECOGNISE and FEEL your own emotions so you can co-regulate with your child.

Your toddler wants you to be there with them in their intense emotions. They don't need you to change anything; they need to know that whatever they're feeling is okay. They need to know that you're not afraid of their big emotions and that they can express those feelings with you—this is what helps them move through the emotions more smoothly.

So, what was your experience growing up, and how has it shaped the way you express (or don't express) your emotions?

Much love,

Dina