What to do when your children aren't listening

One of the most frequent frustrations we experience as parents is when our children don't listen. We find ourselves repeating the same instructions or requests multiple times, and it feels like our words just don't get through to them.

We want them to have a genuine interest in what we are saying and for them to respect what we are saying and respond thoughtfully (and if you have teens or toddlers, any response would be great! :)) 

And we want them to develop the skill to truly listen to others' perspectives, feelings, and needs and be able to respond with kindness and empathy. 

So how can we help them develop this? 

Oscar Trimboli, the author of "Deep Listening - Impact Beyond Words, suggests that  "instead of listening in black and white, we should listen in color.”

A national survey conducted in the US revealed that 62% of children aged 6 to 12 feel that their parents are distracted when they try to talk to them. So, how can we listen more intentionally and in colour to help lead to more cooperation from our child?

Here are 5 things to consider:

1. Understand their processing style: Some children are kinaesthetic processors, meaning they absorb information through emotions and experiences. If your child falls into this category, try physically engaging with them when making a comment or request. Tap them on the shoulder or use gentle touch to capture their attention. 

2. Acknowledge your own emotions: Children pick up on our energy, especially when we're having a challenging day. If you're finding that your child isn't listening and you're feeling overwhelmed or tired, give yourself some grace,  share your feelings with them, and set a boundary or ask for help. Say something like, "I'm feeling really challenged and tired right now. Can you help me by... [make your request]" Giving them the opportunity to respond can create a more empathetic connection.

3. Understand their motivation: Every child is different when it comes to motivation. In the Parent as Leader Method, we train you how to spot and develop 48 motivations in your child. For example, some children are goal-oriented, while others are motivated by problem-solving and you can tailor your language to their preferred motivation style, accordingly. For example, if they respond well to goals, say, "If we leave now, you'll get to school by 8:45 am." If they respond better to problems, say, "If we don't leave now, you'll be late." It's a slight of language that makes a world of difference, leading to children feeling more heard and understood and cooperating exponentially as a result. 

4. Examine the meaning you assign: When your child doesn't listen, what meaning do you give it? Is it a useful or unuseful meaning? The meaning you assign will shape your response. Instead of assuming they're deliberately ignoring you, consider other possibilities. They may be absorbed in a task or struggling with something else. Choose a meaning that puts you in the most helpful frame of mind to respond. 

5. Look at the bigger picture: Sometimes, external circumstances can affect a child's ability to listen. Hormonal shifts, school challenges, or other factors may be occupying their thoughts or causing foggy thinking. In such cases, it's important to cut them some slack and consider the larger context.

Let's make listening a more intentional and colorful experience for both you and your child. Try out these 5 tips and see the difference they can make in your communication and cooperation with your little one. Share your experiences and let me know which tip resonated with you the most.

Much love,

Dina