The Skill that Increases Your Presence

Whether it’s comments from another parent, grandparent or your own self-talk, you can feel judged as a parent. It doesn’t feel good and often results in feelings of stress, irrational reactions and lacking empathy for yourself and others, including children. These can all lead to feelings of regret and result in a downward spiral effect very quickly, all of which take you away from the present moment.

Katie recently shared with me how her child was involved in a trampoline accident. He fell off and broke his arm in two places. She and her husband were right next to the trampoline when it happened.

The ambulance was called and whilst she was sharing her son’s details and explaining what had happened to the ambulance team, she said all that went through her mind was, “what must they think of me?”, “they probably think I’m a bad mother”, “I am a bad mother”, “how can this happen when I was right there?” As she said all of this to herself, she was losing her concentration on what was happening and fumbling through the answers she was giving to the paramedic.

She said the paramedics didn’t say a thing. Not one mention of, “Where were you when this happened?” “How could you let it happen?” They were kind, empathetic and efficient in taking care of her son and her.

In this case it was Katie that was judging herself – in some cases there is someone in your life judging you, very vocally. Wherever the judgment comes from, whether it is inside of you or someone external to you, lead yourself first – you get to choose how you process it.

Brené Brown is a shame researcher with an amazing TED Talk (over 12 million views) and book. For her research, she conducts in-depth interviews with people about their lives — the good stuff and the bad stuff. Over the years she’s collected thousands of stories that have helped uncover some very important aspects of human nature. For most people judgment comes from shame. Shame runs a good part of our lives with a constant dialogue of “Am I good enough?” This gets in the way of our ability to be present, be our best and connect with others.

The antidote to shame is compassion for self.

Next time judgment is hurled at you from yourself or others, try saying yourself, “I’m imperfect, I make mistakes and I’m still worthy of love.”