I screamed at my teen

A couple of weekends ago we went to the beach. We are lucky enough to live in an amazing part of the world and a weekly ocean swim during summer is doable! 

As we arrived, my son and I were having differing opinions about a topic. Without much warning an enormous anger raised inside of me and I found myself yelling uncontrollably for about 30 seconds until I realised what was happening. 

I calmed myself and went quiet for a few moments. 

During the yelling, the more I raised my voice and said hurtful things, my son raised his voice and said hurtful things. 

It was ugly. 

It’s been a couple of years (or more) since I last yelled in this way, so it came as a bit of a shock. 

We unloaded our beach gear from the car, and we walked toward the sand,  both of us stressed from our exchange. I said, “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I could have said what I wanted to say in a much better way. I didn’t need to raise my voice or say hurtful things to you to do it”

He immediately replied, “I’m sorry for shouting and saying hurtful things too, mum” 

We began to repair. 

We both felt tender for the remainder of the afternoon and it took us a few days to fully return to our comfort with each other. More-so for me than him. 

But here’s what happened. 

As my son originally spoke, his words hit a core wound. One that was buried in my subconscious from childhood and lay dormant until I heard his words.

Realising this was what was happening enabled me to gain back control and own my behaviour. In the past, this kind of outburst might have affected me for weeks or months. And now with the tools and techniques I’ve mastered, I’m able to bring myself back to neutral quickly with compassion and curiosity for myself. 

Our reactions ALWAYS make sense. But making sense of it may not always be immediate. 

In my relationship with my child, I believe one of the greatest gifts I can offer him is to work through my wounds. To understand why I get triggered and heal the wound.

This level of healing is what the world is crying out for. For cycle breakers, which I know is why you’re here too. 

The more we work on our stuff, the less our children get coloured by it, because we get to see our children through a clearer lens.  And because in the early years, children borrow our lens until they can formulate their own, they in turn get to see and hear themselves through a clearer lens. It's a beautiful thing! 

It’s not always recognisable to us when we get triggered in this way and it’s not the easy path (at first) but with tools and strategies in place, it gets easier and feeling calm, in control and fulfilled as a parent is the result.

I've been helping coaching clients for over a decade uncover and heal the wounds getting in the way. The difference between healing in coaching and healing in therapy is BEING READY to heal (coaching) versus PREPARING to heal (therapy). 

I don’t believe there’ll ever be a time when I’ll be done growing, healing and unlearning as a parent. We heal layers and learn strategies and tools to move through situations (rather than ignoring them) in the moment. However, these stressful moments occur further and further apart, which allows more energy and space for connection, joy and fun.

You always make sense. We all do. 

Much love

Dina xxx